My Rules
by Shirohikari
Summary: To all those floundering helplessly out there, Sasuke has formed a list of guidelines of what not to fall for in someone. SasuNaru [OneShot]


- My Rules 

-

- Standard Disclaimer Applies 

It was a relatively peaceful and serene morning. Sunlight streamed through the golden coloured leaves, dappling them in a soft, almost ethereal glow. A gentle breeze sifted through the area, and the tree branches rustled softly as they moved in sync together, as if along to a tune only they could hear. Strange how they never got tangled up in each other, Sasuke mused.

He sensed rather than heard or saw him coming, the uncontrollable burst of energetic chakra that pulsed wildly. He wondered what had gotten the idiot so frazzled. A screech announced, rather needlessly, the dobe's arrival.

"Uchiha Sasuke! What the hell is this supposed to mean?" A very enraged, hyperactive blonde had bounded up to where the prodigy rested under a tree, remainging calm despite the agitated presence of his companion.

He opened an eye lazily to gaze at the crumpled piece of paper in Naruto's clenched fist, smirking with what could be classified as smug satisfaction.

"Whatever you take it to mean," he replied easily, seemingly untroubled by what was distressing Naruto so much. This only served to make Naruto narrow his eyes in frustration. God, Sasuke was impossible sometimes.

"Bastard," Naruto growled warningly, leaping forward to give Sasuke a good, painful piece of his mind. The absolute nerve of that too satisfied asshole. He needed to be taken down a peg or two.

Sasuke has seen it coming miles away, Naruto was just too predictable and hotheaded, and caught him in mid-leap, flipping Naruto so that he was lying on his back, pinned helplessly beneath him. Just the way he liked Naruto.

Before the boy squirming below him could voice his protests at his newfound position, Sasuke had attached his lips to the slender column of tanned skin that practically begged to be marked. A moan escaped Naruto's lips as he gripped Sasuke's shoulders in an almost desperate move.

He could not help the complacent smirk that found its way to his lips, being able to make Naruto so helpless, like _that_, with his touch. He gave more attention to the mark he was currently making, biting and sucking and licking insistently, not allowing Naruto the chance to have a coherent thought pass through his head. Such distraction was, in Naruto's book, grossly unfair, because against these kinds of ministrations, what defense did he possess?

As Naruto's moan rose into the summer air, needy and demanding at the same time, the paper slipped unbidden from his hand. It was carried by the wind, skimming lightly over the tips of the grass blades before coming to a rest a little away from the two entwined teenagers utterly absorbed in each other. The page was facing upwards, so that the sunlight caught the title of the subject of Naruto's agitation.

'Sasuke's List of Characteristics Not To Fall For' it read.

'Rule number one, do not fall for idiotic personnels because it would make you doubt your patience and sanity, in a very traumatising manner. Such a combination would make you want to whack your head against a brick wall, trail your hands all over him, and kiss him senseless. All at the same time.

'Rule number two, do not fall for stubborn, pigheaded individuals, because you can't ever have your way again. Ever. With unbending resilience and a pout, you are most likely to be finished. Forget getting up at five for a good training. You will start sleeping in, contented and sated and feeling lazy. Forget dignity and quiet dining and get used to being thrown out of restaurants with murderous glares sent your way.

'Rule number three, do not fall for people with food fetishes that you are not particularly fond of, because, against your will, you will suddenly find yourself eating more of it than should be healthily possible. All your meals would suddenly be centred around that one dish, and you can say goodbye to a proper breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

'Rule number four, do not fall for idiots with absolutely no regard for their own safety, because you would berate yourself for not taking care of them even if it was not exactly your fault. There would be this nagging guilt at the back of your stomach that you had something to do with it. And even if you told them to take more care of themselves and stop troubling everyone around, they would just smile brightly in that amazingly stupid manner that made your heart clenched, and chirp annoyingly that they were fine. They would even have the nerve to ask teasingly if _you_ were worried. As if.

'Rule number five, do not fall for morons who enjoy clinging to others, because, obviously, it is only fine when he does that with you, but as stated above, he is a moron, and does not seem to get this fact. Not only will it make you insanely jealous, any reputation you had before that would be gone, and your so-called friends would titter and smirk knowingly behind your back and in your face and the antisocial mask that worked splendidly before would no longer be effective.

'Rule number six, do not fall for dimwits who attract charity cases like flowers attract bees, because any time you want to spend with him would be taken up. If this is not enough to put you in a foul, irrationally unreasonable mood with a snappish attitude, the fact that they all want to covert him for their own sadistic, greedy means will. You will find yourself in glaring competitions and brawls that would make your blood boil just with the implications.

'Rule number seven, do not fall for imbeciles who have no fashion sense. That includes imbeciles who wear clothes in gaudy shades of colour, or, worse yet, taken fashion advice from _Maito Gai_. Naturally, then, it becomes your duty for the sanity of the village to take him out shopping and deck him in respectable clothes. Making him dress in outfits that only you should see him in is optional, though highly recommended, for an appreciative, payback moment after all he put you through.

'Rule number eight, do not fall for ignoramuses who have overprotective friends in very high places who do not mind a little nepotism now and then. Take a step out of line or make the idiot so much as whimper and you just might find yourself on missions that involve trudging around in mud for days on ends. Even if said friend is not so highly placed, do not underestimate the power of people who know how to handle brawling pre-teens without batting an eye, especially ones whose lover made anbu at an absurdly early age.

'Rule number nine, do not succumb to your rival, best friend, and soul mate all rolled into one, because when you do that you just know you are setting yourself up for some very miserable experiences. You will lose your edge and he will turn you mellow and you find yourself salvaging dignity by exchanging sexual favours, and compromising just about anything for a smile. Not only will this irrevocably screw up your feelings and thoughts, the insatiable urge to follow him everywhere can get extremely annoying.

'Last but definitely not least, never fall for blonde-haired, blue-eyed idiots, because it is clear to anyone with half a brain that this deadly combination is more potent than a vengeful jounin. Do not do it if you enjoy the feeling of being in control, having your life planned, and living sanely.

'And even if you did break all of the rules, especially the last one, and fell for said blonde-haired, blue-eyed idiot, it better not be _my_ blonde-haired, blue-eyed idiot.'

At the bottom of the page, scribbled in rough, hurried strokes that bespoke of indignation and haste, was the line '_Your_ blonde-haired, blue-eyed idiot!'

As the grunts and pants and shameless moans of the two moulded and sounded above the twittering of the birds, a famous quote sprang to mind - the course of true love never did run smooth.

_- End_


End file.
